


He is neither, and he is both

by littlegaybibi (tinyginger)



Series: Immortal Family [2]
Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Comfort, Crying, Cuddles, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Needs A Hug, Everyone Needs Therapy, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Immortal Husbands Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Booker | Sebastien le Livre, Mentioned Quynh | Noriko, Nicky | Nicolo di Genova Gets a Hug, Nicky | Nicolò di Genova Needs a Hug, Past Torture, Platonic Cuddling, Post-Canon, Protective Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Sad Boy Booker, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 02:54:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29851473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tinyginger/pseuds/littlegaybibi
Summary: Nicky finally processes his feelings about Booker's betrayal.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache & Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Joe | Yusuf al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Series: Immortal Family [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2107674
Comments: 5
Kudos: 68





	He is neither, and he is both

Nile was lounging on the couch when she heard the door slam and Joe’s voice booming through the house. It wasn’t a tone she’d heard before, especially not directed at Nicky. The sharpness made her cringe as she involuntarily eavesdropped on the two immortals. 

“-you were messaging him just yesterday!” Joe sounded more annoyed than anything, but the anger that was laced in his words was enough to make Nile worried. “And now? I’m not allowed to talk to him?”

“You can do whatever you want,” Nicky’s voice was calm, but too quiet and Nile hated the way the English words sounded ugly in Nicky’s usually beautiful accent. “I do not own you, please talk to _him_ all you’d like. I’d just rather not speak to the traitor.”

“Traitor?” Joe scoffed. “Last night you cried for our _brother_ , and now rather not speak to the traitor? Make up your mind, Nicolo, is he your brother or your enemy?”

The long pause made the hair on the back of Nile’s neck stand up. It was like the moments before lightning strikes, the air filled with eclectic anticipation. Nicky’s anger, frustration, and sadness were palpable. His distress hung heavy in the air and threatened to choke her, even from the adjacent room. 

“I’m angry,” Nicky admitted. 

“It’s been weeks, you’re just now angry with him?” Joe asked, his voice bordering on disbelief. “You were angry enough to agree to send him away! So, you’re angrier now? Or did you forgive him and now are angry again?”

“I had not…” Nicky’s words were cut off and the next thing she heard was drawers opening and then the fridge and then the familiar sounds of a knife hitting a cutting board repeatedly. 

“I see,” Joe sighed. “What’s for lunch?”

Nicky mumbled something in Italian that Nile didn’t catch and everything was quiet again. A few moments later Joe walked into the living room, his shoulders slumped and his head bowed in defeat. When he saw her he straightened up and smiled at her. 

“Sorry, we didn’t realize anyone was home,” He apologized. “Andy texted that she was going to the market, I assumed you were going with her.”

She shook her head, “I stayed here.”

It was awkward, she’d never heard them argue like this before. 

“How are you?” He asked. 

“I had kind of a hard morning, I woke up and thought I was back at my Mom’s for a minute,” She shrugged. “I’ve been dreaming about her and I guess I just miss her a lot right now.”

“Understandable,” Joe looked sad for her. “If you need to talk, or just don’t want to be alone, Nicky and I are always here. So is Andy, but it can be hard to get her softer side if you’re not _her Nico_.”

“Thank you,” Nile gave him a genuine yet small smile. “I was thinking about asking if I could help Nicky with dinner. I used to cook with my Mom when I was having a bad day, we wouldn’t talk about anything until it just kinda came out, I was hoping doing something like that again would make me feel better.”

“He’s making lunch right now, if you’d like to join him,” Joe offered. 

His complete confidence that even though he and his husband were fighting, Joe still knew Nicky well enough to tell Nile she would be welcome to join him, was reassuring to say the least. It also made Nile a bit sad for some unknown reason. Some childlike hopefulness still lingering in the back of Nile’s brain had somehow convinced her that Joe and Nicky never fought, and when they did it wasn’t really a fight. She’d never expected to see Joe so defeated by something Nicky said, nor had she been prepared to see Nicky’s eyes so sad when she walked into the kitchen. 

“Need some help?” Nile asked softly.

He didn’t say anything, just handed her a knife. She took it and watched him slow his movements for her to watch and mimic him. 

“Very good, Nile,” He praised like he would when they were sparring, or training, or he was teaching her to snipe, or when she made a well timed joke at the expense of Joe or Andy. 

By the time Andy was back lunch was ready and Nicky was grabbing a plate for Joe. Andy smiled at him, noting he was also filling a plate for her. It was sweet, her boys alway took good care of her, even if she refused their help most of the time. 

She walked over to her little brother and kissed the side of his head, “You spoil me.”

He hummed and handed her the plate in response, then grabbed the other plate to take to Joe. He was sitting with Nile in the living room, Nile eating her own food while they talked. She furrowed her brows when she noticed the singular plate in Nicky’s hands, heart sinking as she thought about him sitting next to Joe and eating without offering him any. She didn’t think Nicky would be that petty, but this was new territory. 

Thankfully, Nicky placed the full plate in front of Joe, plucking a run away olive from his plate before sitting next to him on the couch. Joe thanked him with a smile and rested his knee against Nicky’s. There was still something off about their interaction. Though, she couldn’t palace it. 

Andy was all too versed in the unspoken language of Nicky and Joe, and raised her eyebrows when she came to sit with them. Joe caught her eye and shook his head ever so slightly. Everyone was watching Nicky in different degrees of subtlety. Joe watched his husband out of the corner of his eye, more feeling Nicky than seeing him. Andy, stared her little brother down, openly sizing him up as she did so. Nile wasn’t sure what she was looking for and reverted to her natural state of wide eyes looking at all the immortals. 

Andy finally broke the silence in the room by nodding at the lack of food in front of Nicky and squinting at him, “You not eating, Nicky?”

His shrug reminded Nile of her brother. 

“You feeling okay?” She asked before she really thought about it. 

“I’m fine,” Nicky smiled at her but leaned closer to Joe. “Just not hungry right now. I’ll eat a large dinner.”

“Oh?” Joe smirked, though there was worry behind it. “What do you have planned for us?”

“I was thinking takeaway,” Nicky stated. “Unless you all are opposed.”

“It’s fine, Nicky,” Andy’s voice was softer that usual. “You already made this delicious lunch for us.”

“Nile helped,” He smiled, somehow once again moving closer to Joe. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Nile couldn’t help but worry, he was acting like he did when he was still healing from her first mission with them, right before he had the big seizure. 

The look on Joe’s face made her regret asking, though he wasn’t angry. It looked like he was more worried because of her question than anything. Worried for Nicky or worried for her she couldn’t tell, though she couldn’t see Nicky posing a threat to her, not because he couldn’t easily kill her in ways she couldn't even imagine, but because she couldn't see him ever hurting her. 

“I’ll admit,” Nicky’s voice was barely above a whisper. “I am not feeling all that well.”

Andy and Joe looked shocked at his words but didn’t say anything. Joe simply wrapped his arm around his husband and hugged him tight to his side, forgetting about the plate in his hand until Nicky picked up his fork and offered Joe a bite. 

“Are you sick?” Nile asked, feeling out of her depth but also like she was breaking through to him somehow.

He smiled kindly, making eye contact for a moment before nearly hiding himself in Joe’s side, “Not in any way that should worry you.”

His words set an odd pain through her heart as panic started to rise in her chest. Looking at the other two immortals in the room also watching Nicky, she knew she wasn’t alone, though their fears and sadness were based in something more than his words. 

“Are you still angry?” Joe whispered. 

Nicky didn’t answer. 

“Nicolo,” Andy put her plate and started to rise but Joe was faster, putting his plate on the coffee table and holding a hand out to stop Andy before resting it on Nicky’s knee. 

He whispered something to Nicky as he moved to face him. Nile did understand or couldn’t process the words fast enough before Nicky was standing and walking away. 

“Nico!” Joe shouted. “Just say what you are thinking!”

Nicky stopped, his body still as if he was waiting for his target with his sniper rifle. Nile heard Andy suck in a sharp breath and noticed her guard was up, ready to pounce should something happen. She seemed to be anticipating something Nile was not. 

“You do not want to hear what I am thinking,” His words were a warning. 

“Please, Nicolo, tell me because if you do not I will go on thinking your anger is towards me for speaking to-” Joe stood, his voice raising as he did. “Have you decided? Brother or enemy?”

Nicky turned, fast yet mechanically, “He is neither, and he is both!”

“So, _traitor_ , that’s what we’re going with?” Joe goaded, still trying to figure out what Nicky was really angry about. 

“Yes! I don’t know!” Nicky’s hands were shaking, it was the first time Nile saw him not in control. “He is, he betrayed us, but who’s fault is it? It’s certainly not his alone. Yet we are the ones punishing him? Is that our right? We brought him into this… I brought him into this. I was supposed to… help him. I was supposed to listen to him, take care of him, be his guide. So this is my fault, no? I didn’t see the signs or I ignored them! All I keep thinking is why didn’t he come to me? To one of us? Why didn’t he talk to us?”

“Of all people, you should be able to answer that question,” Joe replied too quickly. 

“We are not the same.”

“What do you mean?” Joe scoffed, angry tears filling his eyes. “Sebastien has always grieved similarly to you. The first time we caught him drinking I saw the same look in his eyes as I saw in yours when we left Jerusalem, and each time you came back before the sun with dried blood on your back. How can you say you don't understand?”

“I don’t understand because it is not the same!” Nicky shouted back. “I do not hurt the ones I love when I am in pain, only me.”

“Do you not think that hurts us?” Joe took a step forward, his voice breaking as if it was tired of telling Nicky the same thing over and over again for decades. “Did you not make Quynh cry every time you bled yourself? Do you not see the pain and fear in my eyes every time you stop eating? What about when Andy won’t leave your side when you stop speaking? Or when we decide not to take a new job because we all fear you will be too reckless? Is that not hurting the ones you love?”

“I do not put you in danger!” Nicky’s voice broke as his tears finally started to fall. “I have never and will never put you in danger! Not like he did. I know this. But I don’t understand how I feel because everything is clouded with memories of watching you die over and over again and fearing each time you were not going to wake up. I watched them sedate you, inject you with something I don’t know and then cut you open, gut you, take pieces and pounds from you and record data in their charts. I screamed and threatened and pleaded and you slept on and you died and came back and yet you still would not wake. Then they did everything on me, but tried to keep me awake, and then…. Then they injected me with something that burned through my veins and I feared that’s what you felt. Then the healing slowed and I was bleeding more and I just wanted to see your eyes one more time and year you laugh just once more before I was gone forever-before I broke my promise to you and left you forever!”

“Nicolo-” Joe’s gasp when unnoticed by the crying Italian. 

“My only solace was I knew you’d have Andy and Booker and sweet Nile to take care of you and help you after I was gone. But then they were brought in and Andy wasn’t healing and Book-and Nile wasn’t with them and I didn’t know what to do!” Nicky let out a sob and crumpled into Joe’s arms. “I was going to leave you all alone with no one-”

His words switched from English to an ancient language Nile didn’t understand. The only thing she understood was the broken and desperate cries of ‘Yusuf’s that punctuated Nicky’s unknown words. When she looked at Andy she could tell what Nicky was sobbing out wasn’t any better than what he had cried out in English. 

With a harsh cry Nicky and Joe sank to the floor, Nicky’s sobs muffled against Joe’s shirt. They were both crying as Joe gently rocked them. Andy fell to her knees next to her brothers and cried with them. Nile wasn’t expecting the tears in her own eyes nor the thumping of her heart. 

“I miss him,” Nicky sniffled out, long after his own tears had dried though none of them had moved. “I miss him and I worry for him, but I am so angry at him. I’m so far beyond hurt that I- I hate little brother, and I hate myself for that.”

His quiet confession was followed by sniffles but nothing else. Andy’s fingers hand ended up tangled in Nicky’s hair, her other hand resting on Joe’s neck. Joe held Nicky tight against his chest, his shirt wet from his husband’s tears. Nicky, finally calm and quiet, seemed nearly catatonic as he laid against Joe his ear over his husband's heart. 

Nile had never seen them like this. Even after his seizure, he was more responsive. But now, she watched as Joe and Andy got him up from the floor and walked him to his and Joe’s bedroom. 

A soft call from Andy of just Nile’s name, spurred her legs into carrying her to the bedroom. There she found the three immortals laying in the bed. It was different than how she’d seen them sleep before, usually Nicky’s back was pressed against Joe’s chest and Andy was nearby if in the same room. But this time, Joe laid flat on his back, Nicky’s head pillowed on his chest. Andy laid behind Nicky, one arm hugged tight against Nicky’s chest, the other up by Joe’s pillow playing with his curls. Joe laced his fingers with the ones of Nicky’s hand that rested on his stomach, his other arm trapped, not too uncomfortably, under Nicky and Andy. 

“Join us,” Andy whispered to Nile, her voice drowning out Joe’s constant ancient whispers. “We’ll make room.”

She ended up climbing in next to Joe and laying her head on the pillow next to his. She didn’t need the tangle limbs of their cuddle yet, but enjoyed the closeness of laying next to them. Before she could think, her hand was gently brushing hair off of Nicky’s forehead. She paused when he brain caught up with her actions but the small, genuine smile that pulled at the corners of Nicky’s lips solidified the action. 

It felt good to be able to take care of her new family, just like they had been taking care of her. 


End file.
